What Grooming Really Looks Like (And Why Survivors Don’t Always See It)
- Janae Cherie
- 3 days ago
- 9 min read
Content note: This essay discusses grooming and childhood abuse in an educational, non-graphic way. If this topic feels heavy today, please take care of yourself and step away if you need to.
Most people imagine grooming as something obvious – a stranger, a sudden escalation, a clear red flag.
But grooming rarely looks like danger.
This is what it actually looked like in my life – and why I didn’t recognize it at the time.
It often looks like trust.
It looks like attention.
It looks like someone who is already supposed to be safe.
BraveHearts.org describes grooming as:
“The preparatory (or ‘lead up’) stage of child sexual abuse that offenders use to gain the trust and compliance of the child or young person (and those around them) and to establish secrecy and silence to avoid disclosure. Grooming may occur in person (contact grooming) or online.”
And here’s the part that matters most:
Grooming is a process.
It’s slow.
It’s subtle.
And that’s why so many survivors don’t recognize it while it’s happening.
Grooming often follows a pattern
Not because every story is identical, but because manipulation tends to repeat itself.
Below are some of the most common stages BraveHearts outlines, along with why those stages can be so hard to recognize from the inside.
1) Victim selection: “Why me?”
Perpetrators don’t choose children at random. They often look for children who are:
trusting of adults
lacking confidence or self-esteem
isolated or lonely
not closely protected by safe adults
dependent on them for care, guidance, or approval
It’s important to say this clearly:
All children are vulnerable.
There is no “type” of family that is immune.
For many survivors, the danger doesn’t come from a stranger. It comes from someone who is already supposed to be safe.
In my case, the person who groomed me was my father.
And that changes everything.
When a parent is the perpetrator, trust isn’t built --- it’s automatically assumed. Children are taught from birth that parents are safe, loving, and deserving of obedience. There is no framework for questioning that.
I grew up in a household where authority was absolute, and family loyalty was emphasized above all else. I was taught that personal matters “stayed inside the family” and were never discussed with outsiders. I was taught that questioning my father, the “head of the household” was unacceptable.
Within this framework, my father had a significant advantage within that framework – he was automatically trusted, had the power to isolate us, controlled the conditions that determined whether we were protected, and, of course, we relied on him for care, guidance, and approval.
This created a world where secrecy felt normal…
and silence felt virtuous.
Isolation wasn’t dramatic. It was gradual. Family members who challenged the status quo were pushed away and not allowed to spend time with us. Outside voices were framed as dangerous or untrustworthy. He told stories about how family members he didn’t like were not to be believed or trusted. The more my father’s abuse grew, the more he ensured that we were isolated and not able to ask for help.
Over time, our world became very small.
2) Gaining access and isolation
Once trust exists, the next step is access and isolation.
Grooming requires opportunity. Perpetrators create situations where they can be alone with a child and reduce the chances of being questioned. They manipulate family dynamics, create excuses, and frame isolation as care or concern.
In my home, this often looked like late-night “talks” or one-on-one time framed as emotional support or guidance. Other adults in the household (primarily my mother but also extended family visitors) were subtly pushed away from these interactions, or made to feel like they were interfering. He would criticize anyone who challenged his authority or questioned what he was doing.
What was especially damaging was that this dynamic created tension between my mother and me. My mother became confused and hurt by what looked like emotional closeness between her husband and daughter. She confessed to me when I was in my early twenties that she was genuinely jealous of a “relationship” she believed existed – which, in hindsight, shows just how deeply the manipulation distorted everything. She expressed how she thought we had this “unbreakable bond” and that was why my father spent so much time alone with me, confiding and sharing his deepest secrets with me. As an adult, I reflect that a mother being jealous of her husband’s relationship with her daughter should have been a significant red flag… but it was ignored. Or, more likely, she was gaslit by my father into minimizing or accepting those feelings.
No one was being protected.
Everyone was being divided.
Isolation is one of the strongest tools of grooming. Because without witnesses, a child has no comparison point for what’s normal. And when the mother is also being manipulated into thinking that it’s normal, or that she too isn’t allowed to discuss it…
all of your safe people are no longer safe.
3) Trust development: “You’re special”
Grooming almost always includes trust-building behaviors, like:
being charming or well-liked
holding positions of respect or authority
giving special attention
showing favoritism
offering gifts or privileges
creating a “special bond”
presenting as loving, caring, or protective
This is one of the hardest parts for survivors to reconcile later… because some of it feels good.
The trust given often feels like:
being chosen
being valued
being understood
being important
being SPECIAL
My father presented himself as a deeply religious, upright man. At every church we attended, he served as a deacon at the church and talked publicly about all the ways that he “helped” others in the community. In public spaces, he was viewed as a leader and a role model. At home, the reality was very different.
He gave me special attention and privileges that other children didn’t receive. I was allowed to stay up later than the other kids. When I was obedient, I was rewarded by being allowed to stay up late and watch a movie, or by learning to drive in his blue sports car (a model that makes my stomach churn when I see it even 20 years later). I was included in adult conversations (sometimes very adult and very inappropriate conversations) and he confided in me like a friend about his issues with his friends, wife, and the church. I was praised for being “mature” and “responsible.”
At the time, it felt like love.
It felt like connection.
It felt like being special… because my father confided in me and trusted me.
Only later did I understand that it was also conditioning.
That emotional attachment becomes a powerful hook.
4) Boundary testing and desensitization
Grooming doesn’t jump straight to harm. It progresses through small steps.
This can include:
inappropriate conversations about sexual knowledge, experiences, and relationships, under the guise of “education”
Using inappropriate sexual language or telling dirty jokes
Watching the child in states of undress, or exposing their own body to the child
sharing adult problems with a child
teaching distorted ideas about bodies and relationships
confusing physical affection or “accidental” touches
making the child responsible for adult emotions
Not all at once.
In tiny steps.
So small that the child doesn’t think, “This is abuse.”
They think, “This is just how things are.”
In my experience, boundaries were slowly blurred. Topics that should never be discussed with a child were treated as normal. Sexually explicit and intimate topics were discussed, as if to be educational, despite violating the privacy of my mother and his other intimate partners. I was exposed to adult information and emotional burdens far beyond my age. And he attempted to ensure that inappropriate physical touch was communicated as if it was consensual and non-harmful. Or an “accident” if I called him out on it.
What made this especially confusing was the contradiction:
On one hand, I was hearing these strict religious rules about purity and obedience.
On the other, I was experiencing behavior from my father that violated those very rules.
As a child, I didn’t think, “This is abuse.”
I thought, “This is complicated.”
Or, “Dad just made a mistake.”
And, “I must be misunderstanding.”
And, combined with the religious messaging I was receiving: “This is the devil tempting him into sin.”
5) Post-abuse maintenance: secrecy and silence
Even when harm occurs, grooming continues.
Perpetrators work hard to maintain silence. They may apologize and then demand forgiveness. They may frame what happened as love, weakness, or a mistake that must never be mentioned again.
They may:
ask the child to keep secrets
say “no one would understand or believe you”
apologize and demand forgiveness
claim it was love or care
make the child feel responsible
use fear, guilt, or loyalty
suggest that disclosure would destroy the family
In my case, I was told that forgiveness meant never bringing it up again – often after a dramatic apology, with sobbing tears and an intense confession that “Satan” had led him to “accidentally” do something bad. And after that confession and forced forgiveness, it was clear that remembering what he did was wrong. That silence was proof of faith and commitment to my father. That questioning or sharing what happened was a deep betrayal of that loyalty.
My father’s motto was to “keep it in the family,” which meant never sharing or exposing our issues to anyone outside of him.
This is one of the cruelest parts of grooming:
the child is taught to protect the person who harmed them… at the detriment of themselves.
And because the goal is silence, the message becomes: don’t talk, don’t name it, don’t make it real.
In my case, after a poorly handled CPS investigation when I was young, my father used that as a long-term manipulation tool – repeatedly reinforcing the idea that he had already been cleared. He would regularly say he had “already been investigated” and was “not a threat.” This was repeated constantly from the ages 10 to 18.
So, the message I absorbed wasn’t just “don’t tell.”
It was:
Even if you do, it won’t matter.
No one will protect you.
No one will believe you.
The police don’t care.
CPS doesn’t care.
He could convince them that nothing he’s done was wrong.
You are not important enough for the community to protect.
That kind of conditioning doesn’t end when childhood ends.
On top of this already horrific behavior, my father had, on multiple occasions, had my brother committed to a mental hospital for a 51:50 hold. While my brother was a very angry child and definitely earned some of those holds with his violent and psychotic outbursts, there were several times that my father contrived a story to have him committed. At 16 years old, when I was starting to fight back against the abuse, my father made it clear that if I didn’t “get in line” (aka – do what he wanted), that he would have been committed. He followed this up with a clear reminder that if this happened, it would ruin my dreams of ever working in law enforcement.
And, just like that, I fell back in line with his controlling and manipulative behavior – not because I agreed to, but because I understood the consequences.
Why survivors don’t always see it while it’s happening
Survivors don’t miss grooming because they are naïve or weak.
They miss it because they are children.
Children:
trust adults
want approval
depend on caregivers
lack language for manipulation
fear losing love
fear breaking the family
When grooming is wrapped in religion, authority, family roles, and affection, it becomes nearly invisible from the inside.
What looks obvious from the outside can feel confusing (or even normal) from within the child’s world. And we simply accept it, despite our discomfort and unhappiness.
What I wish people understood
I wish people understood that grooming is not dramatic.
It is relational.
It is psychological.
It is slow.
And I wish they understood that survivors don’t need to be asked,
“Why didn’t you say something?”
They need to be told,
“It makes sense that you didn’t.”
Because when a child’s entire world is built on trust and obedience, speaking up can feel impossible.
Signs to watch for
For parents, caregivers, and communities, awareness matters.
Watch for:
adults who seek exclusive time with certain children
secrecy or special privileges
isolation from peers or family
blurred emotional boundaries
inappropriate conversations
sudden changes in a child’s behavior
Grooming thrives in silence.
It weakens in light.
Awareness saves lives.
Closing
If you’re a survivor reading this, please know:
What happened to you was not your fault.
You were responding the way a child responds - with trust.
Putting language to these experiences is not about blame.
It’s about understanding.
It’s about prevention.
It’s about compassion.
And if this helped you see something more clearly, for yourself or for someone you love, then it has done its job.
You are not alone.
Your story makes sense.
And your healing matters.
If this essay brings up difficult emotions, you’re not alone. Support resources are linked below.
Thanks for being here with me.
I’m Janae Cherie, and I hope that my story helps you to tell yours.
Some of these reflections live in spoken form too.
If hearing them feels helpful, you can find related conversations on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@janaecherie
Support Resources:
If this piece brought up something difficult for you you’re not alone. Support is available.
You can reach out to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) at https://www.rainn.org for confidential 24/7 support via chat or phone.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or in crisis, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) for immediate support.
If you’re looking to better understand grooming or how to protect others, organizations like Darkness to Light (https://www.d2l.org) and Stop It Now (https://www.stopitnow.org) offer helpful resources.
And if you’re ready for more ongoing support, you can find a licensed therapist through https://www.psychologytoday.com
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